Well, I'm getting better I must say....its been just one month since my last post! Funny thing is, what I want to blog about today is a follow up on my last post. Let me forewarn you, its a long one.



One of the things that I have come to love about authentic Christians is that they are not afraid to share their mistakes, their trials and the things that they struggle with. This is so important to me. It makes Jesus so real to me and it levels the field. It makes others more comfortable to share their struggles. God gives us one another to help through those struggles. If no one shares or is authentic, then everyone just thinks they're alone in their struggle!



I remember distinctly when I asked Jesus to come into my heart and to be my Savior. I was young and I remember using those words and I remember a very real, very moving response from Him. However, as I grew in age, I didn't really grow as a Christian. I just heard someone put it as "Well, I'm a Christian, let's see what happens next"..and that perfectly describes my experience. It wasn't until much later that I began to crave more. I met some people who had a real, tangible joy in their lives and they talked about Jesus. Like they knew him! Imagine that?!! It was then and after some tough experiences in my life that I really began pursuing the Lord. He had been with me all the time and I am so in awe and humbled and grateful for His faithfulness. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He protected me from much harm that could have come my way because of some of the choices I made. So back to my point of authenticity...I need to share a struggle I am having.




If you remember, my last post was about making Valentine's Day cards and filling them with loving verses from God's word. As I was finding the verses for the cards, God's Word and His Holy Spirit convicted me of some things. In particular the Word:



"v43You have heard that it was said 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy', But I say to you 'love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is heaven.... v46 ....for if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? " Matthew 5:43, 46

"For if you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? for even sinners do the same. ...But love your enemies and do good, and lend expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, ....be merciful even as your Father is merciful." Luke 6: 32-36

"..Just as I have love you, you are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:34-35



"Love.. it does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful..." 1 Corinthians 3:5b



"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord as forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful " Colossians 3:12-15



The Lord convicted me of not forgiving someone whom I thought I had forgiven. This is a very tender, close relationship - one that is familial. It has always been a struggle to maintain neutral ground and for the sake of family, I have honestly tried to do so. However, it seems that there is always an issue, a problem, an event that sends any progress made to the depths of the pit. I have been so lost with all of this and really feel like I haven't been able to discern what God was telling me- almost as thought I couldn't get through to Him. As if He wasn't hearing me. And then as I was reading the preceding verses it became very clear to me. James 2:19 tells us "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." I hadn't forgiven this person for hurt that I thought I had forgiven - with every issue or event, it would all come rushing back to me. The hurt, the anger, the resentfulness, the self righteousness, the just pure ugliness in my heart would come back with a vengeance. Was God showing this to me so that I could really deal with it? Was he lovingly not answering me so that He could reveal my sin to me? My sin of real unforgiveness...just a surface level forgiveness was not pleasing to him. As I looked deep into my heart, I did and still do have anger, bitterness, resentfulness in my heart concerning this person- but this is someone whom I had HONESTLY grown to LOVE- for real- which was progress! However, I was letting my anger destroy that love. I was focused on myself, my pride and not on God's love- or on loving this someone with God's love. Loving this person in spite of our differences - or more so because of them! I can easily love someone who agrees with me or someone who does as I do, believes as I believe - "even the sinners do that" Jesus says. - We're all sinners, but I think the Word is saying that's easy! "Anyone" can do that, but can you do what's hard? I am trying...rather, I am letting God work in me to do so. I want to confess my anger and bitterness when it arises and let him slowly and lovingly remove it from my life.


I would love to have an amazing, really authentic relationship with this person, but I'm finally realizing that it may never be. That absolutely saddens me, but I hold onto that somehow, somewhere, someday, God will use it for good and to carry out His purposes. That is what I cling to. While I don't think I'll be satisfied with what it is right now, I am satisfied that God has given me instruction of what to do and how to act.- Love anyway- fiercely in fact I think. It takes a fierce love to love someone who doesn't really like the sight of you face or sound of your name! I continue to pray for repair of the relationship and I thank Him and praise Him for revealing to me my sin and for lighting my path in His ways. I pray he continues to show me the error of my ways and helps me to understand Him more, know Him more and ultimately to love others as He has loved me. Undeniably, In spite of myself, faithfully, publicly, privately, tenderly. I want others to see Him in me. He is my treasure.

If you would, please remember me in your prayers sometime and pray for healing and restoration of this relationship and for a chance to show God's love. Thank you for reading. He has a lot of work to still do in me and I think sharing is part of His process.

Forgiven, Cameron